"Mentoring" 3

When I began cancer treatments, I longed for advice from someone who had “been there.” Nurses would offer sound medical opinions, but the questions I wanted answered were along the lines of, “What did you experience…?” Since I recognized the need for one-on-one support, I determined to take on the role of mentor for others facing this overwhelming diagnosis. Having been through cancer enabled me to relate from a position of empathy. I knew what it was like to face tough questions and multiple unknowns. My basic goals as a mentor were to offer information, compassion, and hope. I was unaware I would not only give, but receive. I absolutely love experiencing this new feeling of sisterhood.

Mentoring at its core is a form of helping. Thus, one of the more satisfying aspects of mentoring is being able to offer practical advice. For example, women who struggled taking a shower with two cumbersome drains asked me for advice on showering. Since my surgeon had suggested using ordinary lanyards, I passed this information on to those I mentored. Quickly attaching a safety pin to the lanyard clip enables one to shower, hands free. Another instance of specific knowledge given is when a lady I mentored asked what she could do about her wire stitches irritating her skin. I told her to buy inexpensive swimmer’s ear wax (also called noise wax) at a sports store and mold a tiny bit to the protruding end of the wire. To be able to have a patient’s concerns answered in a way that is immediately applicable is deeply rewarding

Encourage any small step forward. For example, perhaps a mentee exercised for ten minutes and you think they should be exercising for over a half-hour. Commend the effort and urge them to go on. Most people respond much better to positivity than criticism. In my case, due to the debilitating effects of chemo on my leg muscles, I was unable to walk much beyond two blocks. My friends applauded me for trying. If they had belittled my efforts, it would have been easy to give up. As it was, the positive people surrounding me encouraged me to keep trying. I remember I was so thrilled when I finally reached the one mile mark, walking without pain. A person does not start out at the end of their goal, so be kind and affirm small successes along the way!

Another key concept to remember is not to offer medical advice if you are not a medical professional. Spouting out what you deem as harmless suggestions could prove detrimental to another person’s health. For medical questions, refer the patient to their physician. Of course, you may share your own experiences, but realize yours may not be similar to another’s. I am continually surprised by how differently people react to the exact same procedure. For example, I’ve encountered the gamut of reactions on the basic process of removing drains. At one extreme, a lady said she “got tired of them.” Since her physician was on vacation, she pulled them out herself! At the other extreme, a lady complained to me about how painful the procedure was. I really wanted to question how that could possibly be, since mine were removed in seconds with only a slight sensation. I’m glad I didn’t say anything though. Only later did I find out she had experienced pain due to developing an infection. We can’t dismiss the feelings (or fears causing actual feelings) of another. Some may experience pain more intensely, for instance. Making assumptions about how another will react is never helpful.

Though you will want to strive to be uplifting and offer hope, avoid being unrealistic. Clichés such as “everything will be okay” are not helpful and may not be true. We can be upbeat in our attitude without being naive about the seriousness of a cancer diagnosis.  That is, we can be honest yet hopeful even with the tough topics. Some facts may be difficult to face at the time, but it is better to be prepared so dealing with challenges later will be easier. Offer hope whenever and wherever possible. Perhaps you can only explain how easy a certain procedure is or extend hope for a better day tomorrow. Any small measure of hope will be appreciated.    

Demonstrate compassion in your own way. For some mentors, it means bringing a little gift basket of lotions, soft socks, and snacks. Caring may also be shown by physical touch. For anyone, of course, it means spending time. Time is a sincere investment since we all have a limited quantity. If you are able, you may want to do something special and practical like taking notes at medical appointments. Compassion also means providing emotional support. Support can be as simple as actively listening or staying in touch with a note or phone call. If you genuinely want to know how a person is doing, your concern will be obvious and touching. Little gestures become so meaningful when a person is going through a tough situation. I will never forget the seemingly “little” things my friends did during my worst days. One friend sent me a thoughtful text before every single one of my appointments. I don’t know how she kept track when I hardly could, but it felt good to be thought of so consistently. Another dear friend brought me a quilt when I was nervously facing my first chemo infusion. The warmth of that affectionately crafted quilt went far beyond its physical warming.

You may think you can only do something small for another, but love is not gauged with a ruler. A person’s day might be improved by a brief conversation or even just a smile. A little act can contain a large amount of kindness! I’m reminded of this with the saying by Mother Teresa I use as my email closing: “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”