"Mentoring Cancer Patients"
One of my first contacts as a mentor was a lady who I only knew from a texted photo when she requested a meet-up. As I sat at a window seat of the coffee shop, I thought I recognized her walking by. She didn’t stop, so I figured I was mistaken. As I sipped my latté, I saw her stroll by in the other direction, momentarily pausing. Uncertain, I went outside and inquired, “Are you Amy?” She said she was, and we went in to talk. I didn’t question why she had been pacing back and forth. We had a vibrant conversation during which she kept saying how helpful she found the information and experiences I related. As we stood up to leave, she became emotional and hugged me. There is an almost-instant sisterhood of shared suffering between cancer patients.
Only afterward, did she admit that she wasn’t going to go in. She said she became nervous and had asked herself, “Why am I going to meet a total stranger?” From this and every other encounter I learned lessons about mentoring. As a career educator, I had confidence in my ability to teach. However, mentoring is more than educating. In addition to providing information, it is a wonderful mix of supporting, encouraging, listening, and caring. I love getting to share my heart with other women who are facing the bewildering diagnosis of cancer.
If you have considered becoming a mentor as a survivor, I encourage you to do so. Even without much training, if you have the strong desire to help others, you already have two essentials. First, you have credibility with patients since you “know what it is like.” Second, since you can empathize, your sincerity will shine through. Through experience, I’ve discovered more guidelines about mentoring which I share in the hopes they will benefit you. Realize there are no rigid rules for mentoring, since each person will approach others with their own unique style. Further, each mentoring experience will be different, adjusted to the needs and personality of the mentee. Still, there are some generalities I find applicable to mentoring situations.
From meeting Amy at the coffee shop, I realized the need to develop a personal connection. No matter how short-lived the mentoring period is, it is actually a type of friendship. The patient might be hesitant to accept that a person is reaching out to them for many reasons. They may be introverted, afraid to share their troubling story, or simply not feeling well enough to do social engagements. For all these reasons and others, we need to be sensitive to their anxieties. We will want to get to know the person a bit first. If the patient feels they are a “case” for you, you won’t be able to develop a trusting relationship. Even if you are mentoring on the phone, you can include a few personal remarks to find some common ground. Let the mentee come to know you beyond the label of cancer survivor.
One important aspect in any mentoring relationship is to foster acceptance and authentic communication. Let the patient know they have the freedom to ask any question. Ease any concerns by explaining that no question is off-limits. Sometimes ladies I mentor wonder if they can share personal problems. Since cancer treatments can cause vaginal dryness as well as affect libido, you may encounter questions about painful intercourse or a lack of desire. You will want to be prepared to answer questions about intimacy in an accepting and professional manner.
Another vital goal is clear communication. To do this, rephrase the patient’s concerns back to them to be sure you understand them or use questions. You might ask, “Do you mean…” or “Do I understand that…?” Usually, the patient will be under stress, so explain things simply. They may have no idea about protocols and need basic explanations, easily grasped. Assure your mentee that no question is too “dumb.” We all found cancer to be a learning experience. Just because we may now know many medical terms and standard protocols, does not mean we always did. Avoid medical jargon, or explain parenthetically, so patients are not intimidated. For example, if you want to tell someone you are NED you could say: “I’ve been N.E.D., that is with No Evidence of Disease, for two years.” Explain kindly that this was all new to you at one point and you are happy to clarify.
Being positive is also an essential consideration. By “being positive” I don’t mean sugar-coating information or situations. As mentors, honesty is necessary. Still, we can offer hope. Simply the fact that you are officially a “survivor” will be living proof to others that they may be able to beat their cancer. One patient said I showed her “there really can be light at the end of the tunnel.” I endured chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery and now live an active, healthy life. So, even if you feel inadequate to begin mentoring others, at least you have the very visible fact of your own success in front of them. You will want to frame conversations in a positive light, pointing out various success stories, the fact that new treatments are constantly being developed, and any other uplifting aspects. Additionally, your willingness to help will be a real comfort to any mentee.
(Continued in Part 2)