"Keeping Your Identity"

“Who are you?” If you were asked, how would you reply? How would you answer before cancer and during or after cancer treatments? Your responses could all be the same if you are certain of your identity and base it upon your authentic self. After a cancer diagnosis you may be tempted to add, “I am a cancer patient.” But cancer should only be an insignificant and hopefully temporary label. Your disease does not define who you are! Granted, cancer may take up an inordinate amount of time and attention for a while, yet it is not your true self.

If you have defined yourself primarily in terms of changeable factors, such as physical appearance or a job, you may be overwhelmed when there are changes due to cancer or treatments. For example, a cancer diagnosis will be more devastating if you based your identity on a job you subsequently lose. Explaining “who you are” by telling “what you do” is a shorthand way to describe yourself. However, your job is not an aspect of your inner self. You may retire, switch careers, or become unable to work in a given field. Your work doesn’t define you. To be spared needless grief, think about what important components make up your identity. This will help you to accept inevitable changes. Then you won’t be relying on appearances, a job title, or changing relationships for your identity.

Easier to write than to apply; I know first-hand. During chemo treatments when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize the face staring back at me. I lost all my hair as well as my eyelashes and eyebrows. I looked pale with dark circles under my eyes. I did what any self-respecting woman would do; I cried. After a while I realized I was grieving not only for the loss of my normal appearance, but because I felt I had lost some of my identity. It was difficult to admit that I had partially based my identity on my hair! That seemed so shallow; but I had worn it to my shoulders for decades, so it really felt like a part of who I was. After my mastectomy, I again struggled with feeling like less of a woman. Logically, I knew my femininity was not determined by having a breast, but my feelings were separate from my knowledge. When I had time to reflect, I saw I had fallen into the trap of giving inordinate significance to outer appearances. I was still “me” inside. I began to consider who my authentic self is. I knew the list would not contain eyelashes!

The first item on my identity list would include the spiritual dimension. We are all spiritual beings. If we ignore or deny the soul, the center of self, we will not be able to truly know ourselves. As a Christian, I define myself by a relationship with my Savior. “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God…” (John 1:12) So spiritually, I am a child of God. However, using a human relationship as part of your identity has serious drawbacks since relationships can change or even dissolve. Your “child” soon becomes an adult. Your spouse may pass away or divorce. Relationships can be used as a title, such as “wife of” or “mother of,” but they are only a descriptor of your current role, not your inner self.

Also included in one’s identity are talents and capabilities. These talents are often established in terms of education and employment, but they can exist independently of them. If you are an architect, you no doubt sought a degree in architecture. However, if you are a skilled carpenter, you may not have had formal training. Other capabilities shine through even if they are not the focus of your day job. I’m thinking of abilities in innovation, designing, writing, public speaking, or creativity. As a cancer patient you may have had to put some of your skills on hold, but you can still use talents to partially define yourself, such as seamstress or artist. One of the most frustrating aspects of having cancer is to feel you’ve “lost” part of yourself due to mental or physical fatigue which prohibits pursuing interests. In my case, I was saddened to be unable to keep writing while in treatment. I suffered from chemo-fog and didn’t have the mental clarity to write.    

Another aspect of self is character. People may claim they are trying to “find themselves” but on the way they reveal the type of character they had when they began their journey. For example, they may be honest, trustworthy, or kind. Those types of character traits will remain the same with or without cancer. Even when ill, we can choose to remain kind. It may be more difficult, but if it is a trait we possessed before, we can maintain it.

Personality traits also can survive a cancer diagnosis, so they remain part of one’s identity. I’ve known people who even while suffering, maintain their sense of humor or demonstrate other traits such as being sociable, witty, or encouraging. Author Sue Bender in Everyday Sacred: A Woman’s Journey Home writes: “Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want.” I would add that finding out who you are becomes even more difficult when a cancer diagnosis interrupts your search.

When asked about yourself, if you reply, “I am a cancer patient,” you are putting a temporary restraining order on yourself! It seems akin to answering, “I am one who wears purple,” because you have a purple outfit on that one day. So explore who you are in terms of your inner qualities, not what cancer steals. The “real you” cancer cannot take away. Then you will be able to live a more fulfilled life, true to your values, whether or not that life includes a cancer diagnosis.

Reflection:

1. What are you basing your identity upon?

2. Are any of those elements subject to change?

3. What are some traits you managed to maintain throughout cancer?