"Disappearing Friends"

On cancer forums, I often read of a cancer survivor who has lost many of her friends. Some refer to the ones who left after their diagnosis as their “so-called friends.” Others report that their friends or family were especially attentive during the cancer treatments, but they disappeared soon after.  One lady explained, it was as if people thought she didn’t need them any longer.  Also, I personally know people who say not only some of their friends ignored them, but even close family members seemed absent during the critical times of their cancer treatments. One lady questioned me, “Couldn’t he [referring to her son] even send a card or stop by for a short visit?” At the time, I didn’t know how to reply, but now I think I’ve begun to understand what is happening.  

Through my own experience, I have learned there are various reasons people tend to ease their way out of a patient’s life. These reasons do not mean they were insincere friends all along. Further, the motives may have very little to do with the patient and a lot to do with the other person’s coping abilities.  It is understandable—unless your friends are in the medical field—that they may be uncomfortable around illness. Most friends will be able to overcome their feelings and support a cancer patient. However, there are those who seem at a loss as to how to act around a friend with a cancer diagnosis. Others find they are able to assist for a while, but when weeks turn to months, they experience burn-out very quickly.  I had to remember this does not make them a bad person or even a poor friend. It simply reflects their limitations.

Before I experienced being a patient, I failed as a friend to one. I wanted to help, but my feelings of inadequacy and even fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, kept me away. The longer I did not call or visit, the more awkward I thought it would be, so I continued to stay away. Now I realize that any feeble attempt at showing concern, whether it was a card, a phone call, or dinner delivered, would have been welcomed. Most people don’t like to admit they have a need. It is more effective to tell a cancer patient what you plan to do, and give them a choice as to time or day. For example, “I would enjoy bringing over dinner—would tomorrow work for you, and do you have any dietary restrictions?” 

For those who are unsure how to support a patient, here are a few ways to show you care:

Find out appointment times and text your friend before each one to show you are thinking of them.

Purchase a house cleaning service and enclose the gift certificate in a card.

Bring them a quilt (homemade or purchased) to keep warm during chemotherapy.

Offer to grocery shop and find out if they have any cravings.

Buy a tote and fill it with things they’d enjoy in the hospital or at chemotherapy.

Go with them to appointments and take notes. Stress causes people to forget what is said.

Offer more than once to help. The first time, they may not have a need. Then be prepared to really fulfill that request, whether it is walking their dog or picking up a prescription.

I offer these suggestions in the hopes of promoting relationships that might otherwise suffer neglect due to misunderstandings. Of course, it is not up to an already-overwhelmed cancer patient to counsel friends or family how to better cope, yet we often find ourselves in that position. I’ve read numerous stories of women who worry how difficult their diagnosis is on their husband or others. I say, let the others get therapy or ask for advice from a medical advocate. The patient should not have to deal with her cancer plus act as a therapist.                    

Reflection:  

In what ways could you help or support a friend with an illness?