"Denying Death"

Death. Are you reluctant to bring up the subject in relationship to yourself or others? Are you uncomfortable discussing death as a possible outcome of cancer? If so, it may be partly due to how society has framed death as if it were failure. Dr. Azra Raza succinctly explains, “A culture obsessed with winning views the death of cancer patients as a failure and therefore a subject best avoided. Dying is not a failure. Denying death is.” (1)

In the spirit of that truth, I am pulling back the curtain on death to shed light on the fearful unknown. When death is not hidden behind the curtain, it may lose its “Wizard of Oz” power! Death is a certainty you and I will face at some time. What can we do to help ourselves deal with that fact? Three approaches are beneficial. We can speak openly of death. We can acknowledge death’s reality by making our final arrangements; and we can avoid denying death by living according to reality.

First, we need is to admit dying is a part of life and not shy away from the topic in either thought or conversations. By speaking frankly about our eventual death, we help others to join in a cultural discourse, diminishing the Western taboo. Even our vocabulary reflects how deeply the denial of death is ingrained in our culture. We have a dozen euphemisms for death so we don’t have to actually say someone “died.” Your loved-one “crossed over,” “passed,” or “perished.” The latter sounds as if she were a carton of milk past the expiration date. We call in professionals to take care of our dead until we can summon the courage to face them, dressed up and made-up in a coffin. We don’t usually experience the rawness of death. Death is remote from us, sanitized and perfumed, so we can continue to live in denial except for a few whispers at a wake.

Some people live as if death could be put off indefinitely. Not one person, family or friend, broached the subject of death with me though I had Stage 4 triple negative breast cancer. There are only stages 1, 2, 3, and 4. There are no “stages” after 4 except death! My metastatic cancer is referred to in medical literature as “terminal.” Yes, my case turned out to be the exception, but my family and friends did not know this would be the case when I wanted to talk about dying.

I was at ease discussing the possibly of my impending death; others were obviously not. Three friends (one of whom was a physician) had the same avoidance response, with the exact same words! On separate occasions, when I brought up the subject of dying, each exclaimed as if giving a direct order to the Universe: “You are not going to die!” I surmised that response meant: “I don’t want you to die.” I knew these friends cared, so I only smiled in response, not launched into a philosophical argument.

Since I didn’t end up dying (and that was years ago) their reactions didn’t deny me a cathartic conversation. However, had my death been imminent, it would have been comforting to have a discussion with friends. If we avoid conversations about the inevitable, it is not helpful to those near death, nor is it honest on our part. We need to find ways to bring ourselves to candidly discuss dying with others.

Second, we can come to terms with the topic of death by being pro-active and making our own arrangements. Doing so does not have to be a drama-filled event or a depressing experience. For instance, I quietly took care of updating a will and writing out burial plans. Then I told my oldest daughter where our insurance papers were, and that was that. These tasks weren’t difficult or emotionally taxing, but the reward is peace of mind that my affairs are settled. Having things taken care of makes me feel better now and will eventually make my death easier on my family, not having to search frantically for important documents or worry about other details.

The third way we can avoid denying death is to live in accordance with the fact--valuing each day, doing what we enjoy, knowing we won’t always have another sunrise. When we see our last sunset, we will be able to do so much easier if we have truly lived. I think Marcus Aurelius said it best: “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” 

If you fully embraced each season of your life, you could come to view dying as one more phase! I appreciated each stage of my life whether it was being a student, settling into married life, being a young mom with children to love, or having a teaching career. Then when retirement gave me new-found pursuits and many grandchildren, I am able to treasure my senior years also. Why would I not want to squeeze as much experientially out of my last days? Coming to one’s end in denial and bewilderment would only add anguish to physical suffering.

I plan to face death without flinching, fully recognizing what it is—a portal to eternal life. I will not take Dylan Thomas’ suggestion to “Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” (2) I will peacefully accept it. Dr. Raza explains that “acceptance though hard to achieve” can bring “a modicum of relief, a sense of tranquility…a much-needed inner peace.” (3) I whole-heartedly agree; I’d rather not be struggling against the inescapable, with chaos and rage reigning around my deathbed.

Since I’m a believer, the fear of death has lost its power over me. The grave can’t hold my soul! If I have any breath left on my deathbed, I know what I want to say. I hope to rhetorically ask: “Oh death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?” (4)

Reflection:

1. Do you think if you planned ahead, the end would be easier for both you and your survivors?

2. What could you do to overcome fears you may have about death? Do you know why you are afraid?

1. Azra Raza. The First Cell. (New York: Basic Books, 2019), 7.

2. A reference to the poem by Dylan Thomas, “Do Not Go Gently Into that Good Night.”

3. Raza, 200.

4. I Corinthians 15:55 is a reference to the believer’s freedom from the fear of death due to Jesus’ victory over death at his resurrection.