"Banishing Guilt"

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” begins Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Sonnet 43. With sincere apologies to Ms. Browning, I’m instead asking: “How do I feel guilty? Let me count the ways.” For both cancer patients and cancer survivors it is easy to feel guilty with a myriad of opportunities presenting themselves! Let me count the ways. We can feel guilty we got cancer, thinking it is somehow our fault. We may feel we are being a burden to those taking care of us. We may feel guilt-ridden if we can’t contribute as we previously had done, whether at work or at home. Also, if we have a comparatively easy time of treatment, we may feel guilty we aren’t suffering as much as others. After treatment, if long-lasting side effects such as fatigue continue, we might feel guilty for not “bouncing back” as expected. Then if we survive and the cancer is finally declared in remission, we can experience survivor’s guilt. There’s really no limit to the circumstances trying to drown us in guilt! However, I recommend finding an end and stopping the unwarranted feelings of guilt to find serenity on the horizon.

First of all, you can stop feeling guilty cancer got you. Cancer is usually random bad luck. Cancer does not discriminate: healthy athletes, young children, fitness instructors, nursing mothers, and old people are all susceptible. So, questioning if you should have eaten more kale is counter-productive. Furthermore, guilt negatively impacts your body by increasing the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. So you really can’t afford to harbor guilt since it is not healthy either emotionally or physically.

Second, as our treatment continues and we suffer side effects, we may wish we were not such a drain on others’ time. We assume others can’t possibly like helping us. Often we make incorrect assumptions about others. Some family and friends do enjoy the chance to give back. Other compassionate people long to be needed and gratefully will offer a ride or do whatever they can. Even if you have uncaring people in your life, it is not worth sacrificing your health further by worrying how others feel. Stress hormones can increase your heart rate, blood pressure, and inflammation in your entire body. Once you recognize your feelings, please give yourself permission to let them go.  Your health will definitely improve.

Lastly, we certainly need to stop comparing ourselves to other cancer patients since that can often lead to more guilt. I’ve talked to ladies who feel guilty because they are doing so well and were able to continue working through treatments. I understand their empathy, but by comparing, they are not receiving the happiness they deserve. Deep guilt can have other detrimental effects such affecting our ability to think clearly. Guilt takes center stage and can distract from work, study, or simply living. A more severe example of guilt has a medical term: survivors’ guilt. If you are in remission and have seen others not respond as well to treatment, it is normal to feel compassion. The problem begins when compassion morphs into guilt with questions such as why did I get better and they did not? Please don’t allow your well-being to mutate to sadness by comparing yourself to others. Doctors now recognize that many cancer patients feel like they’ve been in a war zone and are actually diagnosing our feelings as PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). If you do find your guilty thoughts are interfering with your daily life, it would be wise to seek professional help. Most cancer centers offer free counseling services and support groups.   

If you continue to deal with feelings of guilt, what can you do? For starters, please don’t feel guilty for feeling guilty. There are many solutions. If your feelings of guilt are not severe, you may find just talking it out with a friend can be helpful. There’s even a name for this called “talk therapy” which I have unwittingly participated in my entire life! Other people (like me) find writing about their experiences cathartic. You might want to buy that pretty new journal. Also, you can do whatever activities lessen stress. That may mean joining an exercise program or renewing hobbies. If you are a survivor and feel sad, it may be because you haven’t taken time to grieve all that has happened to you. Take time to express your feelings and honor the memory of others, perhaps by doing a kindness. I don’t mean you need to start a non-profit to validate your existence. I use that example because after my first clear PET scan, I wanted to start a non-profit to help others. I felt I needed to prove why I survived. I’ve changed my thinking because I realize we all deserve a second chance! I’ve decided to embrace the joy of living, not let guilt rob me of the beauty of another day.

Reflection:

1. Maybe it would help to write down the definition of guilt to realize you don’t need it! (Unless you have robbed a bank recently!) Guilt: Noun. 1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law. 2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, or wrong.  

The teacher in me wants to ask you to write a 100 times: “I am not guilty,” but I don’t see a chalkboard! So, instead, say to your mirror something like this: “I am not guilty. Feeling guilty will not help myself or others. I release all the guilt I am holding onto.”

2. There is a vast difference between caring about the suffering of others and punishing yourself for not having to suffer. You did not cause their disease; you are not in control of the planet; and you won’t be improving a situation by feeling guilty. Wish others well and help if you are able, but release the poisonous guilt! Do you think you are in some way trying to punish yourself by your thoughts?