"Thriving by Forgiving"
Part 2 of a series on thriving
An ancient Zen story tells of a junior and a senior monk walking along. As they approach a river with a strong current, they see a lady afraid to cross. She asks for help. The monks have taken a vow to never touch a woman. Nevertheless, the senior monk agrees to help and carries her across the river. The young monk is outraged and becomes sullen for hours. Finally he can contain himself no longer and demands: “How could you carry that woman on your shoulders?”
The senior monk replied: “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river hours ago, why are you still carrying her?”
Hopefully, we will ask ourselves the same question in regard to the grudges we carry around. Isn’t it time to set the self-imposed burdens down? Withholding forgiveness is not helpful to us in any way, and it does nothing to improve the situation. So why is it sometimes so difficult to forgive? I think part of the answer is the word “forgive” might be misunderstood. Forgiving does not mean condoning bad behavior. To forgive an offense does not mean the offender wasn’t to blame. Nor does forgiveness mean denying what happened. Also, we don’t have to feel like being charitable in order to forgive; it is an act of the will. Real forgiveness means we realize the offender may be completely guilty (even of a crime). Still, we can make a conscious decision to let go of our anger toward another, even though it might be difficult.
So how is it possible to forgive daily slights, much less horrific injustices? I believe the solution lies in understanding each of us is in need of forgiveness. A relevant parable in the Bible tells of a servant who was deeply in debt to his king. He begged the king to give him more time to pay and not to throw his family into debtors’ prison. The king had mercy and cancelled the servant’s entire debt, equivalent to 20 years pay! As the servant was leaving the court, he saw a friend who owed him the equivalent of a day’s pay. The forgiven servant angrily demanded to be paid and began to choke his friend.* The reader is outraged to learn how one forgiven so much could turn around and deny his fellow man forgiveness. Then the message of the parable may register. If the Lord has forgiven us such a great debt, how can we refuse to forgive others?
The gratitude I experience for having been forgiven is my motivation to forgive others. Another reason to forgive is because we only hurt ourselves by harboring bitterness. For one thing, we waste our valuable time by mulling over grievances; for another, we forfeit peace of mind. Author Robert Muller phrases it succinctly: “To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
You will receive even more than peace, according to recent research studies. You may receive a boost in physical health as well! In fact, Dr. Kelly Turner, author of Radical Remission, cites releasing suppressed emotions as one of the nine key factors in people who experienced remission from cancer. Other studies support Dr. Turner’s findings. The “Campaign for Forgiveness Research” demonstrated that people who easily forgive are healthier than those who hold on to resentments. When participants were told to think about forgiving an offender, it led to improved functioning of their cardiovascular and nervous system. The University of Wisconsin* learned those who easily forgive had less illnesses and lower blood pressure than people who found it difficult to forgive. Being unforgiving negatively impacts both mental and physical health.
The author of The Art of Forgiving, Lewis B. Smedes, explains we give the people who hurt us a power over us by not forgiving them. “We give the people who do terrible things power to condemn their victims to live forever with the hurting memory of their painful pasts. We give the monsters the last word.” The decision is yours; but if you hold on to grudges, it is to the detriment of your own well-being.
Corrie ten Boom, concentration camp survivor, had much to forgive. She even forgave a former Nazi guard she chanced to meet years later. Her superb insight: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you!”
*Matthew 18:23-35
*Dr. Robert Enright from the University of Wisconsin–Madison founded the International Forgiveness Institute and initiated forgiveness studies.
Reflection:
1. Do you find it difficult to feel mercy toward others who have wronged you?
2. Do you think you can set aside your feelings to make a decision to forgive someone?
3. How did you feel when someone sincerely forgave you?