"Losing and Gaining"
By Beverly Bradley
Cancer and the accompanying treatments of chemotherapy or radiation are thieves. They may rob one of hair, including eyebrows and eyelashes. They can wreck fingernails. Also, chemo can take away taste buds, so food isn’t appetizing. Sometimes, it steals one or more physical abilities—including staying awake for long or doing work. With all the losses you experience, did you ever wonder if anything might be gained? Personally, I discovered I gained both priorities and perspective.
A friend of mine had her house robbed yet all she could talk about was how glad she was the criminals didn’t take her precious photos and collectibles. Perhaps that thief, cancer, may be similarly viewed. It is so unfortunate to be robbed, but it could be heartening to think of what cancer did not get away with. In general, cancer can’t take away our identities, our spirit, our strong will, or our treasured memories. In fact, experiencing cancer can even strengthen our inner person. As the motto claims, “You don’t know how strong you can be until strong is the only choice you’ve got!” In addition, memories take on a gilded edge as one realizes how precious they are. I did a journaling exercise which helped me banish some of my defeated feelings. I made a list of all the things cancer cannot do. I never finished the list because it became so long! Those were the “collectibles” cancer couldn’t steal.
I gained new priorities. I realized how important family and friends were. Of course I knew this before—but I hadn’t experienced it to such an extent before! Since I had stage IV, triple negative (an aggressive type), metastatic breast cancer, I had to face the reality that I might die. Therefore, time became my most cherished gift. I would wake up thankful for each new morning. I would plan how to use my “good” hours and how to best endure my “tough” times. I’m not suggesting I had a day-planner full of activities. In fact, the “activities” lessened as the depth of interactions increased. For example, I held my grandbabies for a blissful time of rocking. Also, I liked sitting out in our yard watching my husband do gardening. We laughed as our dog leapt for a butterfly and then evidently in playful revenge, the butterfly landed on my dog’s head. These serene activities became more enjoyable than a bustling shopping trip at an over-crowded mall.
Additionally, I gained perspective because when outward appearances were “stolen,” I had to reassess my identity—that is, who I was minus one breast and without long hair or strong physical abilities. My identity was scarred, but still intact. I still had my relationship identities as a child of God, wife, mother, grandmother, and friend. I still was the real or inner “me.” All the outward features which had seemed so important when I put on my make-up each morning, paled when compared with being alive. I did like my long, thick hair, so I allowed myself to grieve its loss as it fell out in clumps. Though, I did read Luke 12: 7 differently in light of my cancer—“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” I chuckled when I told the Lord He needed to recount hairs every couple minutes if He wanted to keep track! Before cancer, I had only appreciated this first part of the verse revealing how knowledgeable the Lord was about the smallest details. The verse continues: “Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” I began focusing on this last part of the verse. It informed me I didn’t need to fear due to the great concern and love the Lord has for me.
I let the comfort of that sink in. Then, I dried my eyes and decided to take control of the situation! I made an appointment at a barber shop which I knew used a straight-edged razor. Though bald, I lifted my spirits by buying trendy new scarfs and headgear. To survive cancer was the goal, so it was only a small hurdle to survive looking a bit like Mr. Clean.
Reflection
Try making a list of all the things cancer cannot “steal” from you.